You know things are getting bad when you make an executive decision at 9PM at night that you will spend the entire next day in bed. You have had a long day, and the idea of waking up and being conscious for another day after that is just too much. I cried myself to sleep for what felt like the millionth time.
The Back and Forth
I feel I am being swayed back and forth between two intense wishes. Wanting so badly to find answers- to seek a cure, or at least a valid treatment- and to move on with my life. I have so much I want to accomplish, so many people I want to meet and places I want to go. But I am also filled with the paralyzing fear that my condition will continue to deteriorate. That I will spiral farther downward into depression, my pain worsening, without a cause or diagnosis in sight. Everyday I wake up and pray I can go back to sleep, whether it be 6AM or 2PM. When I sleep I am without pain. Honestly, I don’t even remember what that feels like anymore. To live without pain.
Wishing for an Escape
I wish I could say that I wanted to keep fighting. I wish I could tell you that I had all the answers. That I knew I would overcome my depression and fight through the pain, but I am just tired. I am beyond exhausted. I live everyday in pain most people wouldn’t dream of. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been told “you seem fine”, or “just get over it”. I oscillate back and forth between wanting to experience everything life has to offer, and wanting to curl up, go to sleep, and never wake up. I guess you could say I’ve been having a bad few weeks here. I am hoping that things will start to turn around, but at this point I don’t know if I even care.
A Way Forward
At least for now, I push on. I am still seeking out new doctors and trying new treatments. I hope I have the strength in me to keep going. I have one thing to be grateful for- an amazing support system. My family and boyfriend are all amazing human beings who are able to make me laugh through the darkest of days, and that is something I hold onto in the tough times. They motivate me to push forward, and I hope that you, too, have something or someone that keeps you going.
Below I have included a graphic detailing the warning signs of depression. If you, or someone you know exhibits these signs, I strongly urge you to seek help. I used to be embarrassed to seek help- I thought it meant I was weak. But I have learned that reaching out when you need an extra hand makes you strong. Please don’t ignore these signs that you, or someone you know, needs help.
What do you do when you’re depressed? How do you remain optimistic in the face of disappointments and failure?